RK
Thursday, June 02, 2005
  Where is my mind?
As i listened to one of my favourite songs, the music
floated through my apartment and I shut the door
on a world that was completely comfortable and
safe and stepped out into the abyss.

Today the abyss took the form of a pleasant
Adelaide day, 20 degrees and sunny and perhaps
didn’t seem as daunting as I thought It might be,
it still felt completely bizarre.

The truth is as happy and excited as I was suppose
to be, I mean I was retiring at age 25, I always thought
retire age 25, famous by 26, dead by 27. Well hopefully not the last,
one, and I didn’t care much about middle one either, but u can
never really be sure wat will happen. And the word “retire”,
well wat does that really mean anyway? I plan to work harder
than I did in my ‘work’ days, which thankfully wasn’t too
lofty a goal to achieve. In fact in some ways it would be
near impossible.

I felt sad, engulfed in this strange feeling of pain and
disillusionment. It was like this, imagine being on a
merry go round carousel at a fair, spinning around with
lots of ppl you know. Sitting on a colourful shiny horse,
bobbing up and down gently to the music, when snap ! The column
attaching your horse to the carousel breaks into two,
sending you horse with you on a tangent, at
a rate of knots! Why the horse leaves at a high speed, I
do not know. But that’s what it felt like in the morning today,
I could hear a loud snap. And as I looked back on my
tangential horse I could see my the ppl I knew happily bobbing
up and down and I was flying out of control.

In many ways it was similar to when I jumped out of a plane,
the first 5 seconds of fre-fall are a total sensory overload. I don’t
know of anything that can prepare you for it. And whilst in
the back of your mind you are suppose to arch you back and
bend your arms and legs, I was just completely overwhelmed
of the feeling of spinning through thin air, with a back pack on.
Except then it felt wonderful, and today it was scary.

It occurred also to me that if I can make it to vegas, ill prolly
be going by myself, into the lion’s den with little support,
little ammunition and little know how. Sure its exciting,
but after reading the moneymaker book , I realised that he
had good support with him, and im sure it makes a difference.
This only served to accentuate the flying horse feeling.

Its like when buying little hole card cameras for poker. Apart
from some lighting issues, I thought they worked well. But
you always have ppl saying, that’s ghey , that’s a waste. I
mean, I actually picked up some useful plays and ideas,
just after watching the first trial. It was very interesting,
but y do ppl need knock things down?! I mean at the end
of the day ppl do what they want, but ud be surprised how
much can be achieved working together. Must stay Positive ! I still
owe the elf for moral support during that world open qualifier,
I could have come 2nd, got nothing, never made it to London,
never learned a lot about poker, and not taken my roll beyond
three stacks. And whilst brad is generally bitter about me doing
well in poker, I still appreciate all the work he has done for
me over the years, when I was prolly reading cardplayer online.

I always thought I understood wat simon was talking about b4,
tut today I really understand wat he was saying. Sometimes
u do something different, and it seems like no one is behind
u, no one is against u but no one is with you. The path least
travelled is the hardest one of them all.

But the one great thing is the opportunity, and I guess
that’s the best thing about today is the chance to do something
productive. And whilst listening how ppl plan to blow large
sums of money on junk, when just a little could make a big difference
to someone else, and Brad telling me how 2million north Koreans
will prolly starve to death, perhaps, flying away on rogue a carousel
horse into the abyss is not all that bad…
 
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